Perry at the Priory
In the summer of 2004 Pericles the Decoy Duck spent a month in The Priory to get over his worm and bird seed addiction.
This blog was originally set up to chronicle his experiences and the inevitable escape attempts.
However, it refuses to die.
The Characters
Pericles - Our Hero
Ron - a Lemming, Pericles's roommate
Bob - a discontented lizard
Dai - a Llama
Schrondinger - a Cat, Dai's roommate
Hermione - a Peking Duck
Thaisa - a Duck, Perry's sometime girlfriend
Doris - a Turkey, Matron at The Priory
Skippy - a dodgy Kangeroo
Sandi- a Great Dane
and
Ethel - a duckling who claims to be the fruit of Perry's loins
Friday, June 08, 2007
Duck-sploitation?
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The Great British Duck Race - OK, it's in a good cause but still...Clearly these people have gone over to the Duck Side of the Force
posted at 6:10 AM
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Sex, Ducks and Rock and Roll
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Sex, Ducks and Rock and Roll | Headlines | News | Gay.com UK & Ireland: "Gay men are adopting ducks to help raise funds for gay men’s health charity GMFA. The rubber ducks will form part of the world’s biggest duck race when 165,000 rubber ducks will be released on a 1km stretch of the River Thames to set a new World Record and raise money for UK charities..."posted at 8:01 AM
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Intelligent Design? You Bet!
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BBC NEWS | World | Asia-Pacific | 'Killer kangaroo' evidence found: "The research team has also unearthed evidence of a large carnivorous bird dubbed the 'demon duck of doom'."posted at 3:05 AM
Friday, December 23, 2005
...and it's goodnight from me
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The Sandi Toksvig Show ends today so it's time for my to head back to the pond and float quietly away.One parting moment of weirdness:
Rubber Ducky, I'm awfully fond of you;
Woo woo be doo
posted at 3:24 AM
Monday, December 19, 2005
Going Jesus
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Going Jesus - the kind of nativity set you feel really should exist but know in your heart will never actually happenUntil now...
posted at 2:07 AM
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Dai's Final Fling
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Dai the llama has been a bad boy lately.I've had to agree to adopt him.
|
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| adopt your own virtual pet! |
I'm not sure he's too pleased about all it.
Don't try to pet him.
posted at 2:43 PM
Sunday, December 11, 2005
It's that Deer-in-the-headlamps look...
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Galleries.AdamWelch.Co.Uk - why didn't I think of this myself, dammit!posted at 4:12 PM
Monday, November 28, 2005
Quote of the Day
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"You can only tell I'm Danish if I'm naked because I have it written in blue up one side of my body"S. Toksvig
I so don't need that mental image!
Reaching for Photoshop...must....resist.
posted at 4:40 AM
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Duck vacuum cleaner
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Akihabara News - USB Duck vacuum cleaner for PC - and I thought the Henry was odd.I want one of these.
posted at 1:12 PM
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
What is the sound of one cow moo-ing?
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At last my life is complete - Big Dave's Cow Sounds -The cow audio spectrum is a narrow one filled mostly with moos
posted at 4:20 AM
Monday, October 24, 2005
A Pregnant Pause
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Being, y'know, of the avian persuasion I'm naturally intrigued by eggs. The little online excercise below could be fun or could turn out to be a total cuckoo
But for now at least it beats catching 'flu.
posted at 5:25 AM
Monday, October 17, 2005
Radioactive ducks?
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These days I'm spending an unhealthy amount of time browsing those aspirational catalogues. Innovations may be long gone but, like weeds, plenty more have sprung up to fill the void it left.Admittedly they don't offer a lot for the discerning duck but sometimes you can find the odd gem that makes you want to splash out a bit. For example have a gander at Glow in the Duck from those nice people at I Want One Of Those
Just the thing for the next time I run out of change for the electric meter.
posted at 1:00 PM
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Say Hello to the Evil Attack Squirrel of Death
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Worse than a ferret down yer trousers. A lone motorcyclist fights for his life against the squirrel menace.But this was no ordinary squirrel.
This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!
posted at 2:06 AM
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
The Rabbit Lived: I'm not very fond of ducks
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His protestations notwithstanding, I suspect this guy may be duck-empathic:The Rabbit Lived: I'm not very fond of ducks
I could understand the duck's point of view: it was young, it was splashing around, trying to figure out how those wing things worked, a rude person grabbed it (thinking it was injured) and brought it into a clinic. It wasn't really the duck's plan for the day.
Too right mate!
posted at 12:38 AM
Monday, October 10, 2005
I am become Duck, destroyer of websites.....
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I found a new toy to play with today. The "flood" mode was especially pleasing since I had the urge to paddle as well.You can apply this to any website but I pretty much confined my Katrina-like tendencies to this one.
posted at 1:23 PM
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
He should have taken a gander upwards..
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Wed Oct 5, 3:58 PM ETSTOCKHOLM (Reuters) - A Swedish hunter was knocked unconscious after his son shot a flying Canada goose which then fell onto his head, news agency TT reported Wednesday.
"I guess it wanted revenge," hunter Ulf Ilback told local newspaper Extra Ostergotland, according to TT.
Ilback said he had to stay in bed for two days after being knocked out by the goose, which fell from around 60 feet. The birds can weigh up 13 pounds.
posted at 8:53 AM
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Gee, who knew...?
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Bored out of my tiny aquatic brain, I did one of those online personality-type quizzes the other day. The results are below (I am NOT making this up!)You Are A: Duck!
Found in many lakes and ponds, ducks are a common site the world over. Known for their famous quack, ducks tend to congregate in flocks or go off on their own in pairs. As a duck, you may seem friendly at times but will not hesitate to bite if someone is bothering you. Your love for travel is part of what makes you a duck.You were almost a: Lamb or a Kitten
You are least like a: Groundhog or a PuppyCute Animals Quiz
posted at 2:54 AM
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Duck for Congress
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Duck for Congress | A New Voice Across Maryland - just as long as this "New Voice" doesn't go "Quack"posted at 7:12 AM
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Duck Density
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"Universities these days are subject to many tests, ratings and measurements … REAs, TQAs … all of these leave out one vital factor, in fact the one most important measure of the quality of a university. What is this elusive measure?"Duck Density
You heard me.
posted at 5:17 AM
Friday, August 12, 2005
HOUSE CONCURRENT RESOLUTION NO. 29 - Napoleon Dynamite, production
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I'm not entirely sure what this resolution is about. But who cares?It's got Llamas
HOUSE CONCURRENT RESOLUTION NO. 29 - Napoleon Dynamite, production: "WHEREAS, Tina the llama, the chickens with large talons, the 4-H milk 2 1 cows, and the Honeymoon Stallion showcase Idaho's animal husbandry; and 2 WHEREAS, any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the 3 Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote 'Nay' on this concurrent 4 resolution are 'FREAKIN' IDIOTS!' and run the risk of having the 'Worst Day of 5 Their Lives!'"
posted at 4:02 PM
Friday, July 01, 2005
When Hamsters Attack!
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I haven't heard from Ron much recently - now I know why.Apparently one of the best ways to avoid a Hamster attack is to climb up a tree and hang onto one of the branches. But be forewarned: if the hamster waves at you, DO NOT WAVE BACK (it’s an old hamster trick which might make you fall out of the tree).
I knew I was going wrong somewhere.
posted at 6:07 AM
Monday, April 11, 2005
Llamas Redux
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There is no escape....Sat Apr 9, 8:27 PM ET
Yahoo! News - Wayward Llama Surprises Wisconsin Family
Strange News - AP
WISCONSIN RAPIDS, Wis. - A llama on the loose gave Brenda Hobbick and her stepson, Zachary, a surprise when it showed up at their rural Grand Rapids home. The cattle and horses at their property bear little resemblance to the animal that was standing in the yard as they arrived home Friday.
"We just pulled in, and I was like, 'That's not ours. What the heck is it?'" said Zachary, 15.
The wayward llama had slipped away from a pen in another part of town when Dale Carlson went to do some raking.
"I carelessly left the gate open when I was raking the lawn," said Carlson, a 67-year-old retired paper mill worker. "I just turned around, and she was out. And even a bucket of corn wouldn't entice her to come back."
The llama doesn't have a name.
"That's probably why I couldn't call it," Carlson said.
He couldn't catch her either.
"They can run fast," he said.
Grand Rapids police Officer Steve Slinkman helped later as the animal was corralled at the Hobbick home and given hay and water.
Officials called Carlson to see if he was missing a llama. He has two of them as pets.
"I appreciate the help of catching it," Carlson said.
posted at 3:53 AM
Sunday, March 20, 2005
"Open the Box!"
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eBay item 6163803790 (Ends 23-Mar-05 10:52:39 GMT) - Sandi Toksvig's Lunch Box in aid of Childline - ordinarily I'm a bit nervous when people start talking about me being in a lunchbox. However, from the photo on Ebay, this auction includes a cartoon of me, Perry, back in those halcyon days when my head was still attached to my body.Bet you can't resist now eh?.
posted at 6:56 AM
Sunday, March 13, 2005
I guess their goose is cooked too
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The passenger pigeon is extinct (I'm starting to empathise already). Sadly all the members of this particular species had the misfortune to live in the same area as American farmers who regarded them as a pest.90 years after this act of avian genocide, some of the only remaining evidence of their existence can be found The Passenger Pigeon Memorial Hut: "Inside are three stuffed Passenger Pigeons and a number of informative signs guaranteed to make you feel bad."
posted at 2:51 AM
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Hey, anyone can make a mistake...!
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EducationGuardian.co.uk | Research | Necrophilia among ducks ruffles research feathers - what can I say? It was dark, he'd been playing hard to get, he was a media plant....posted at 11:16 AM
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Duck Decapitation!
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Yes, it's true - some clumsy soul 'accidentally' knocked my block off shortly before Christmas.It's really cramped my social life. No-one wants to be seen with a decapitated duck. Thaisa's threatening to dump me after several stories appeared in the tabloids accusing me of "running around like a headless chicken". Sandi's thinking about having me retired. I even had my invitation to the office party revoked.
I've tried hinting to the The Team ™ that they should get me fixed. However the strategically placed tube of superglue seems to have given them the wrong idea about me. Humming the theme tune from the Six-Million Dollar Man ("Rebuild him...Better...Stronger...Faster") only made matters worse and now they're threatening to send me back to The Priory.
To cap it all, I made a horrible discovery after someone inadvertently left my head sitting on the studio table behind my body - that WWII pigeon vest really does make my bum look big.
posted at 5:46 AM
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Duck - 1 Rat - 0
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Sadly, it seems that the thug culture in this coutry has even reached tranquil Theydon Bois. However, I'm glad that the Epping Forest Guardian was on the ball and managed to cover this story as it was breaking. The rodents behind gratuitous duckophobic attacks such as this must be publicised as the snivelling cowards they undoubtedly are. You'll be glad to hear that the duck valiantly defended itself, effortlessly swatting its attacker who doubtless retreated with a bruised ego and a bent snout.(Is it just me or is that photo completely indecipherable?)
I'm sure that the above news link will probably be obsolete fairly soon so the text is here:
THE peace and tranquility of Theydon Bois was shattered when a rat decided to attack a duck on The Green.
And by chance Guardian photographer Shaun Curry was on the spot to capture these incredible images.
Shaun said: "I've been on the lookout for unusual pictures for the paper and decided to stop in the village to get some autumnal shots around the pond and along the avenue of trees, but I never expected to see what I did.
"It was a pure fluke. I barely had enough time to put my camera to my eye."
The duck escaped with just a few ruffled feathers.
5:51pm Thursday 25th November 2004
posted at 3:36 AM
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Will no-one rid me of these turbulent Llamas?!?!?!?
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posted at 1:28 PM
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Share your pain
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Having recently undergone my own recovery and rehabilitation, I'm always interested to read about the experiences of others.The stranger the addiction, the better I like it. But even I am finding it hard to visualise a meeting of Lip Balm Anonymous .
Of course, that may just be because I have no lips. But just try to picture the scene "Hi I'm Karen and I'm addicted to....owch!...cracked lip!...."
posted at 5:31 AM
Monday, November 08, 2004
Llama friendly
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UserFriendly Cartoon for Nov 8th - there is no escape from that bl**dy Llama!!!posted at 2:49 AM
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Llama...Llama...Llama...DUCK!
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I had an e-mail from Dai this morning. He and Doris are doing OK and he thought I'd appreciate this Llama Song he'd found online.posted at 2:09 PM
Monday, October 11, 2004
How Do You Mean 'Duck'?
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It's not every day I see a blog written by a baby- especially not such a perceptive one. You don't think he has a ghost writer do it for him do you?'cos I'm feeling a little inadequate here...
posted at 3:37 AM
Friday, September 24, 2004
"e-Bay-gum"
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eBay item 3749666609 (Ends 29-Sep-04 19:53:41 BST) - TIMEPIECE - the_struggling_artist - Gary has definitely been listening to too many Goon Showsposted at 8:56 AM
Monday, August 30, 2004
Day 33
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I turned on the radio this morning and heard that Sandi's back!Why had no-one told me? It's time to get back to work. I'm sure they've missed me.
I got my bags packed in double-quick time, said good-bye to Dai the Llama and Schrodinger the Cat and checked out.
Somebody will be along to collect me soon. I'll perch on my suitcase down by the main gates so they won't miss me.
I wonder if they'll send the limo....
posted at 4:09 AM
Friday, August 27, 2004
Day 30
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I've finally received a letter from Thaisa. Apparently she was contacted by a 'hamster' who told her I was missing her terribly.Thaisa's been pretty busy recently which is why she hasn't written. She's got a contract to do a regular column on nesting for Good Housekeeping and has posed for a for a Page 3 spread in Mallards Monthly. She's also attracted a lot of interest from TV producers who like the fact that she is 'untainted by experience'. Just last week she appeared on Tricia in a show entitled "My boyfriend's an aquatic love rat and I'm only staying with him 'cos I like going on the radio".
I bet she'll be relieved to hear that I'll be out soon and she can stop working so hard.
posted at 4:06 PM
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Day 29
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Dai and Schrodinger are doing their best to cheer me up after Ron's abrupt departure.Dai even confided in me that he's started dating Doris. They're having to keep it a secret because staff/patient relationships are supposed to be unethical. Never mind unethical, I would have thought that a Turkey/Llama relationship would be physically impossible!
Anyway Dai says that once he's been discharged they'll go public. In anticipation, Doris has even had one of those stickers made up for her windscreen: "Doris - Dai". I think it has a certain ring to it.
But I didn't think they put windscreens in Panzers.
posted at 3:26 PM
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Day 28
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Ron left early this morning. I hate to admit it but I shall miss that belligerent little rodent - even the squeaky cry of "Banzai" at 2 am followed by a "boing" and then that sickening crunch. That dent in the ceiling will be a permanent reminder of our adventures together. Macrame class just won't be the same either.Still, at least now I've got the room to myself.
[Note to self: Remember to pay off Skippy and reattach that pantomime horse's head].
posted at 2:06 PM
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Day 27
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Ron's had a visit from the Lemming Mafia. He woke up this morning to find the severed head of a pantomime horse in his bed.In all the fuss, it never occurred to me to ask him why he'd kidnapped Schrondinger's cat in the first place. It turns out that he's 'into' them to the tune of - you guessed it - £2 million in used milk bottle tops. Apparently he bet heavily on Ahmed to have sex with Nadia on Big Brother and things didn't quite work out as planned.
Now 'The Family' want their money. Ron is quite scared as they're threatening him with some pretty nasty stuff (quite apart from turning him into a Soprano for real). He came here to escape from them. Unfortunately Skippy is one of their enforcers and recognised Ron - despite the wallaby outfit - while we were trying to sneak into Schrodinger's room the other evening.
Naturally I've had no personal experience of these people but, like everyone else, I've heard of them and let's just say that 'friendly' is definitely not in the job description. Ron says they're capable of doing anything to him: putting crash mats at the bottom of cliffs, cutting off his gas, sending round the Samaritans or even making him wear a safety helmet when he goes out on his Harley.
Clearly we have to get Ron out of here in a hurry. Being a minor celebrity I have some contacts who might be able to help. I called one and made him an offer he could not refuse. He's a plastic surgeon. Tomorrow Ron begins his his new life - as a hamster.
posted at 3:09 AM
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Day 25
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The toilet's still backed up so Ron and I are having to use the Gent's at the end of corridor. I was in there this morning, 'studying' for my Book Group, when some kind soul slid today's paper under the cubicle door.The headline read "My Bird Seed Hell - Perry's Priory anguish". Beneath it was an old photo of me taken with a couple of chicks at The Coop (my favorite nightclub). According to the story I was sent here after being found unconscious in my 'Love Nest' having overdosed on bird seed and tequila worms. Since being here I have apparently been involved in illicit liaisons with two geese and a ruddy duck. I have also allegedly participated in drug-fuelled orgies with a variety of small rodents and several other water fowl.
Hermione has betrayed me.
I feel such a fool.
I've since discovered that Ron suspected this might happen which was why he was so anxious to check out Hermione. He's come across her before. A few years ago, she pulled a similar scam on a friend of his, a gerbil who was involved with a big Hollywood film star at the time.
Ron says that, by comparison I got off lightly.
I'm just trying to work out how to explain all of this to Thaisa.
posted at 3:56 AM
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Day 24
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I'm spending a lot of time with Hermione. I think Ron's getting jealous; he keeps pestering me to introduce them. I'm afraid he may use that winsome rodent charm to steal her away so I will just have to avoid him for now.Meanwhile here is a gratuitous selection of my favourite duck sites
Ducks are not evil
A Rubber Duck in every Bathroom
The Duck Pond (housing 217 Ruber Ducks)
Duck Planet - "canards sans frontieres" (and holding the Guinness Record for the world's largest collection of Rubber Ducks - you can see a pattern emerging here can't you?)
Duck Alignment - for when you need to get all your Ducks in a row....
Normal service will be resumed tomorrow
posted at 1:51 PM
Friday, August 20, 2004
Day 23
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The toilet's backed up.It's that bl**dy beaver next door.
posted at 4:33 AM
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Day 22
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I'm in love!We met by the pool as I was going for an early morning dip. Her name is Hermione and she says she is a Peking Duck. She works as a model and is in here because she doesn't have an eating disorder.
She thinks the dark boot polish on my bill makes me look swarthy and handsome. I may never shave again.
I'm in heaven. I've got a girlfriend who is a model and thinks I look cool. I'd been feeling pretty depressed since Thaisa hasn't written to me once during my whole stay. I think she's dumped me. Suddenly, another 12 days in this place doesn't seem so bad.
Hermione is awfully interested in me and asks lots of questions. She's very keen to know why I'm here and if I know much about the other inmates. I'm trying not to let on that I'm famous because I don't want her to be intimidated.
We're going for a midnight swim. Ron wants to come too but I told him " 'Perry and Hermione' sounds romantic. 'Perry, Hermione and Ron' just sounds silly".
Besides, Ron can't swim.
posted at 3:19 AM
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Day 21
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I'm never going to get this boot polish off my bill, and as for my feathers - well, I shall be preening for weeks!Having decided that there was no way I was going to turn in my roommate, Ron and I spent most of yesterday evening discovering that it's a lot easier to kidnap Schrodinger's cat than it is to return it. The Priory management was taking no chances and Schrodinger has had an armed guard on his door at all times (one of those Bazooka-packin' marsupials).
We made several attempts to sneak past Skippy, including bribes of food, hiding round the corner and yelling "Help I've fallen down a mine-shaft" and dressing up as a lady wallaby and offering to polish his bazooka. All of them failed and I think Ron was getting a little too carried away in that wallaby costume.
Having determined that entry via the door was not an option, that left going in the window - which how I came to be covered in black boot polish. Ron decided that I'd have to use camouflage since my white feathers would be picked up by the spotlights that sweep over the building at night. Oddly however, he did not think that his fur would pose a similar problem.
We waited until it was dark and everyone had gone to bed before creeping up onto the roof. Ron had donned his flying helmet and goggles and I carried several dozen elastic bands knotted together to make a rope. We knew Schrodinger would probably be still awake, anxiously counting his milk bottle tops but figured the light from his window would make it easier to find at high speed.
It didn't take long to find a spot directly above Schrodinger's window. Feeling rather glad I'd paid attention in Macrame class, I lashed one end of the elastic bands to a chimney while Ron tied himself to the other end.
After I'd pointed out that tying the rope around his neck would be a bad idea (in this instance), Ron apologised explaining it was just an old lemming tradition. We re-attached the rope to his waist and were ready to go.
The plan was for Ron to do a trial leap without the Garfield toy just to make sure the coast was clear. Then he'd drop down with the cat between his teeth, flinging it through Schrodinger's window as he shot past. Failing that, he could try again on the rebound.
Once he was ready I took up the strain in the rope, Ron dropped off the roof and was quickly swallowed into the darkness. However I could clearly hear a high-pitched lemming scream drifting up through the night air. It was only when the scream was punctuated by a distinctive splat that I wondered whether we should have made the rope quite so long.
Ron reappeared seconds later looking very shaken. He wouldn't tell me what had happened but tied a very big sheepshank in the elastic to shorten it, grabbed the plush cat and shot off into the night.
I think he was successful, at least he came back without the cat. I helped disentangle him from the elastic and we slunk back to our room.
I sent Ron down to breakfast this morning to check out the gossip while I worked on scrubbing off the boot polish. He reports that Schrodinger is overjoyed to get Garfield back and isn't asking too may question about where he's been. Other than that, our night-time antics seem to have gone unremarked.
However I just overheard Doris telling one of the nurses that she'd had a pretty scary encounter last night. She was on her rounds when she heard screaming coming from somewhere overhead. She looked up and was promptly "smacked in the mouth by something warm and furry" (words I doubt she has ever used before and will never use again).
No-one knows what hit her, I'm just glad we didn't run into it ourselves. I asked Ron if he saw anything while he was jumping but he just shrugged and carried on playing with his new Alice Band.
posted at 8:38 AM
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Day 20
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The Tufty Club Book of Sleuthing is proving very helpful on the subject of solving mysteries. It even provides a handy check list detailing the steps to take:"First - Catch your Perp"
Frankly I wouldn't know a perp if it came up and bit me on the parson's nose. So this morning we interviewed suspects instead. We saw Doris, Dai, a kleptomaniac magpie and a pair of anally retentive squirrels. Bob's also on the list but we're in no hurry to talk to him. He still pongs a bit from his dirty protest down in the cells.
Nevertheless we still had a few surprises. Dai immediately ate Ron's bamboo slivers and rubber hose so Ron was in a total funk for the rest of the morning. One of the squirrels made a pass at me, but he really wasn't my type and besides, I must keep myself pure for Thaisa (the bird I met at the wetlands centre). To cap it all, the bulb blew on Ron's high powered lamp. Amazingly Doris saved the day. She dug out one of her own interrogation lamps and generously loaned it to Ron. I never realised that there was something of the knight about Doris.
Unfortunately all our suspects had alibis and we finished by lunchtime. Interviewing Bob was out of the question without a functioning hose, so Ron went off to his anger management group and I went back to our room to catch up on some reading for my Book Group.
I was still in the bathroom, studying "Mallard's Wives" in Playduck, when Ron came back from anger management to get changed for his boxing class. I stayed put since I didn't want to embarrass him by walking in while he was still half-dressed. He's been very sensitive about his physique ever since he started this boxing course. If that wasn't bad enough he's got Neville the Gorilla as a sparring partner. That simian doesn't stand a chance.
Ron was taking a long time to get changed and I could hear a lot of squeaking sounds. Remembering that we detectives must always Be On Our Guard (Item Two on the Tufty Club Sleuthing list), I rushed into the room afraid that our perp might be trying to nobble Ron (the book also provides a handy guide to jargon).
I found Ron rolling on the floor, oblivious to my presence and engaged in a life-or-death struggle with the drawstring on his track suit bottoms. I decided it was about time something was said about his recent weight gain. As Ron stood up, still struggling, I opened my beak to make a comment but then I realised that the squeaking I'd heard was from inside his trousers!
Now I don't know much about lemming anatomy but I am a Super-sleuth and I'm pretty sure that particular bit of it is not supposed to squeak, no matter what it's doing. Ron was still occupied with the business end of the drawstring so I investigated further.
Poking out from the back of his elasticated waistband was a tuft of orange fur. I tugged on it. Ron must be hopeless with knots as suddenly everything came lose, his pants fell down and I found myself holding Schrodinger's Garfield toy.
Ron and I stood glaring at each other for a moment. A duck with a toy in his mouth and a lemming with his trousers round his ankles. Dropping the cat, I finally broke the silence. "My analyst is going to love this".
So I've found my perp. The trouble is I've no idea what to do with him.
posted at 3:04 PM
Monday, August 16, 2004
Day 19
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No new developments on the kidnapping case. However the management at The Priory are taking the whole thing very seriously and have beefed up security. They have employed a firm of Bazooka-toting kangaroos to guard the doors. I was tempted to say this was closing the stable door after the horse had bolted but the memories of our pantomime horse fiasco are still too recent.Yesterday, after watching CSI, Ron and I searched Schrodinger's room thoroughly for clues. Ron even thoughtfully vacuumed the room beforehand so the dust wouldn't make my allergies worse. Sadly we didn't find anything apart from the strap off a leather flying helmet and an article on building model cliffs torn from an early edition of the Hornby Collector's Magazine. This lack of forensic evidence will make my job harder but it is not impossible.
Tomorrow we shall interview suspects. Ron's getting quite excited by the prospect and has already acquired a length of rubber hose, some slivers of bamboo and a bright lamp. At least this has stopped him weaving nooses in our Macrame class.
Meanwhile, in an attempt to raise the ransom, Schrodinger has been lapping milk at an alarming rate. I've idea where he puts it all but he says Ron's been very helpful and I've noticed that the water in the swimming pool is getting unusually murky.
posted at 5:08 AM
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Day 18
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I've received another postcard. The handwriting's a bit wobbly but it's postmarked Athens and smells strongly of humous so I'm pretty sure it's from Sandi.It says "Greetings from the cradle of civilisation - bet you wish you were here".
She'd mentioned some time ago that she wanted see all the famous works of art they have in the Greek capital. I thought they were all in the British Museum.
Anyway, as luck would have it, she also says on the card that there's some big sporting event taking place there at present and so all the art galleries are empty.
There's no word yet from Tim. Maybe they don't let you send postcards from bicycle maintenance boot camp.
According to the caption on the back, the picture on Sandi's postcard is of the Acropolis. Personally I think I would have waited until they'd finished building it before I went.
posted at 12:08 PM
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Day 17
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Schrodinger's received a ransom demand for his plush Garfield toy. Ron and I heard the yowls from the other end of the secure wing so we went to investigate.Poor Schrodinger is distraught. In addition to demanding a signed undertaking never to bite lemmings ever again, the note instructed him to leave £2 million in used milk bottle tops under the clock at Victoria station in just 3 days and there's no way he can drink enough milk in time. We're organising a whip round to see if we can help but so far all we've collected is 42p and the buckle off Ron's flying helmet.
So I've decided to turn ducktective - Hercule Parrot. I shall examine all the clues, interview all the suspects and unmask the perpetrator before the deadline in 3 days. But first I must wax this nifty false moustache which came with my Tufty Club Sleuthing Kit.
Ron's also very keen to help out. I'm quite surprised. Since he is mostly active at night, he usually spends his days lying in bed reading back issues of the Hornby Collectors magazine. However he is insistent that I involve him in every step of our investigation. I think it'll be good for him to get a bit of exercise - he seems to have put on quite a bit of weight in the last couple of days.
posted at 4:38 AM
Friday, August 13, 2004
Day 16
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Ron and I have been lounging by the pool all day, catching a few rays, admiring the passing wildlife and pondering the mysteries of life.This was partly on account of it being Friday 13th and so neither of us was going to risk doing anything strenuous, but mostly on account of Ron already having put his back out during a yoga class and needing to lie down. I think he's been watching too many Yellow Pages adverts.
We kept getting odd looks from the other sunbathers and I overheard a few of them asking why I wasn't in the pool rather than beside it.
Which brings me to me to my Rant of The Day:
Who says Ducks have to LIKE getting wet????
Look at it objectively. Water is cold, messy, inconvenient, full of some pretty malicious microbes and WET dammit! Who in their right mind would want go paddling about in that?
OK, so Ducks are better equipped for this. We're waterproofed, streamlined and have a gastronomic preference for other, smaller aquatic wildlife but that's just something we do because we happen to be good at it. It's more of a career option than a lifestyle choice. If you don't believe me just try scattering some bird seed around the edge of a pond and see how quickly the ducks are out of the water, scoffing that seed.
The trouble is that there's not a lot we can do about the situation. Owing to global warming, ponds are drying up and consequently employment opportunities are dwindling. Walt Disney has a lot to answer for. People want to see their ponds populated with traditional daft-looking, damp ducks and they're not interested in any non-conformists. So there's no room for your forward-thinking fowl who wants to drag duckdom into the 21st Century.
I learned this as a young duckling at my first swimming class when I had my snorkel and wetsuit confiscated. "They'll get you nowhere son" I was told "Don't think it hasn't been tried".
Big business also conspires to keep us under the thumb of the traditionalists. My life just hasn't been the same since Damart stopped making waterproof thermal underoos and don't get me started on who got Clive Sinclair to abandon the development of a personal outboard motor in favour of the C5.
Having said all that, I'll admit I wasn't refusing to go in the pool on principle.
I refused because I knew Ron had just peed in it.
posted at 7:47 AM
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Day 15
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Yahoo! News - Geese Get Last Laugh As Decoy Vanishes: Clearly the work of a Quack Squad, at the beak of perfection.posted at 8:19 AM
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Day 14
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Our little Gang of Four met again up in the excercise yeard this morning. It was all rather subdued. I had a black eye from where Ron headbutted me in last night's fight and Ron has a bruised butt where I pecked him. It looked like Dai and Schrodinger had their own falling out last night since part of Schrodinger's tail was missing and Dai was walking just like that horse in the stables yesterday.Anyway we shook hooves/paws/wings and made up. Then we took a turn around the perimeter together. Ron and Schrodinger went ahead chatting about fur conditioner while Dai quietly explained that he'd had to restrain Schrodinger when the cat had another panic attack on finding that his plush Garfield toy was missing. Schrodinger idolises Garfield - Dai hasn't the heart to tell him it's only a cartoon.
We went back indoors before the excercise period ended as Schrodinger was getting freaked out by a pack of dogs who have just arrived. Apparently they used to work in a laboratory as part of a conditioned response experiment. They're here to be be treated for post traumatic stress after an accident at the lab which nearly killed Prof Pavlov, the chief scientist.
Apparently a fire alarm went off and he almost drowned in dog drool.
posted at 7:30 AM
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Day 13
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The only reason we're not all in the cooler right now is because Bob the Lizard is down there staging a dirty protest because they took his tanning lotion away.I don't know the full details but I gather it's getting pretty toxic in there.
So, as you will have guessed by now, we got busted and are confined to quarters. We found that under pressure we do not work well as a team and everyone is blaming everyone else.
And yet it all started out so promisingly. Ron and I were up early. Ron was very excited and insisted on wearing the flying helmet and goggles which he's been using as protection during those nocturnal closet-leaping sessions. I just made sure my WWII pigeon vest was on snugly.
We rendezvoused with Dai and Schrodinger in the stables, climbed into the pantomime horse outfit and mingled successfully with the outgoing steeds. There was a slight contretemps with one of the studs but Schrodinger quickly sorted that out with the business end of his claw. I'm not entirely sure what he did but I noticed the other horse was trotting very strangely after that.
Personally I think we started to go wrong once we'd cleared the Priory grounds. We should have broken away from the herd at that point and shown a clean pair of hooves. However, Dai was adamant we stick with the others for a while longer and do what they do. I knew that was a big mistake when I saw the training course. We'd been OK on the flat but this had jumps!
I knew Schrodinger would back Dai's decision so I appealed to Ron for his support. However, Ron just crouched in there with a kamikaze gleam in his eye and kept yelling out "Banzai" from behind the goggles.
That's when Schrodinger had the panic attack. I wasn't surprised; 30 minutes cooped up in that suit, gazing at Ron's furry @rse would have been a trial for anyone never mind a cat with severe claustrophobia. Still, there was no call to bite Ron like that.
After the fight broke out we really hadn't a hope. So I think it's pretty shabby that the other three are blaming me for our detection. Apparently horses - even pantomime horses - with two webbed feet are pretty rare. Wearing wellies was another dead giveaway.
Now Ron and I are locked back in our room. Ron's sent to me Coventry and is still plaintively yelling "Banzai" before leaping from his wardrobe, ricocheting off his trampoline and smashing into the ceiling. I've already confiscated his flying helmet and goggles but he's a determined little rodent and won't shut up.
I think in a minute there's going to be another fight...
posted at 10:35 AM
Monday, August 09, 2004
Day 12
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Good News - it looks like I may be getting out of here much earlier than planned.We're going to Stage A Break Out
It's all Dai the Llama's idea. He explained it to me during our Pilates class. It involves a horse and we're going to hide inside it. At first I thought that he'd just been watching too many war movies but Dai's plan doesn't involve a Wooden horse.
It involves a Pantomime horse.
Dai's noticed that there are a significant number of racing horses in here (I think they're being treated for steroid abuse). Every morning they are let out for a canter. Dai has acquired a pantomime horse outfit. Tomorrow morning at sunrise, one additional equine will be trotting out with them
Dai originally intended to make a solo bid for freedom. However, his roommate - Schrodinger the cat - found out and threatened to tell Matron so Dai was forced to include him. Then the costume turned out to be too big for just a Cat and a Llama, so he's invited me and Ron as well. I think I must have impressed him with my knowledge of Monty Python movies.
The plan is for Dai to go in front with Ron riding in the middle - tethered so he doesn't try to jump - and then Schrodinger in the rear riding on my shoulders. I've decided not to explain that Ducks don't have shoulders; cats can balance on anything.
We've all agreed to have an early night and meet in the stables at dawn so we can mingle. The trouble is that everyone's so anxious that it's hard to sleep. Ron's especially worked up - I haven't seen anyone that small get so excited since the Olsen Brothers won Eurovision.
Schrodinger's the only one who seems quite relaxed about the whole thing. I thought that was just innate Cat Coolness but Dai explained that it's actually Prozac. After being shut up in boxes so often, Schrodinger now suffers from severe 'clawstrophobia'. It's only heavy sedation that stops him taking hostages and demanding his liberty (since tunneling is obviously not an option).
He refers to this place at Al-Cat-raz
posted at 4:04 PM
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Day 11
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During my Gym session today I got chatting to the Llama on the treadmill next to mine. After all it's not every day you meet a Welshman.Dai is one cool Llama. He was the stand-in for Ralph the Wonder Llama in a Monty Python Film. However, whereas Ralph went on to become the famous Naked Dancing Llama, Dai just became a relentless exhibitionist with a rather embarrassing tendency to expose himself every time he heard "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life".
His condition was under control until recently when he was arrested for flashing at a Shih Tzu on Wimbledon Common while listening to Brittany Speirs's hit "Toksvig".
These days Dai the Llama plays safe and only listens to travel programs on Radio 4. He is trying to learn all he can about Tibet since everyone keeps assuming he comes from there.
posted at 5:38 AM
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Day 10
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I've had a postcard from Ethel the Duckling. At least, I'm pretty sure it's her. The writing is almost illegible but it's soggy and smells strongly of pond weed. I think it says she's having a great time swanning around in Cornwall with SJ, Laurie and Laurie's Mum*.SJ and Laurie had offered to take me to Cornwall with them. I was very excited and had my WWII pigeon vest all dry cleaned and ready to go. However, Sandi veto'd the idea when she caught me on a very different kind of trip after snorting the algae in the Gent's and I ended up here.
Ethel also brags about having successfully lied about her age to get served in the pub next door. I'm torn between feeling outrage that those two are corrupting a minor and feeling envy that they aren't corrupting me.
Maybe I'm just feeling the stirrings of parental responsibility. Sandi read out an e-mail from Ethel in which she claimed to be my daughter. It's certainly possible. In the bad old days when I was high on bird seed and tequila worms I used to go off for days and have no memory of what I'd been doing.
Still, I really ought to remember something like that. It's a long waddle to Stockport where Greta (Ethel's Mum) lives - I should at least have had sore feet afterwards.
(*if you follow the link for Laurie's Mum, rest assured that the curious-sounding fowl was NOT modeled on me during one of my benders)
posted at 3:40 AM
Friday, August 06, 2004
Day 9
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FREE AT LAST!! OH LORD, FREE AT LAST!!Well I'm out of the cooler anyway. I don't think I could have coped for much longer; they put Bob the Lizard in the next cell yesterday (he refused to eat his Brussel Sprouts at supper). I think he's going to be in there for quite some time; he's making no effort to get with the program and I could hear him ranting about all Lemmings being suicide bombers.
After that it was almost a relief to get back to Ron and his wardrobe-leaping. Ron was very quiet when I got back. I figured his medication had finally kicked in. I decided not to tell him what Bob was saying - it might upset him, or worse yet, give him ideas.
I also discovered that while I was away some well-intentioned soul had put a trampoline in front of Ron's wardrobe. I thought it was a pretty neat idea until I noticed the dent in the ceiling directly above it - at least that explains why Ron was so dazed.
I wonder if I could get him to take up bungee-jumping instead?
posted at 5:11 AM
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Day 8
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I am a Duck! GET ME OUT OF HERE!Unfortunately yesterday's little outburst has landed me in the cooler for 24 hours. I'm only able to post this as they've let me out temporarily while my cell is being reupholstered.
I'm a little better today. They've got me on a new treatment: Prozac, Radio 2 and The Daily Mail. I can understand how the first two might help but can't see what use is served by a copy of the Daily Nazi. And the side effects are pretty nasty...
[FAAAAAART]
...OK, now I see what the paper's for.
Ron threw me a catcher's mitt and a baseball as I was frog-marched away. I appreciated the thought but one day I'm going to have to explain to Ron that there's a reason a winged creature never made it to the Baseball Hall of Fame...
However, when the nesting urge is upon me, the ball will make a good egg substitute...I feel we have bonded already.
I miss Ethel
posted at 2:46 AM
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Day 7
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OK, so that's a whole week without bird seed or tequila worms, and I seem to be coping OK.This detox lark might not be so bad after all
OHMIGAWD!!! ELEPHANTS!! LOADS OF 'EM!!! PINK ONES!!! THEY'RE HUUUUUUUUGE!!!
GIANT PINK ELEPHANTS ARE LANDING ON MY BILL!!!!!
posted at 5:23 AM
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Day 6
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I've not been here a week yet but already I'm missing my fix. It's terrible, I'm jonesing for bird seed real bad.At breakfast I made the mistake of saying I was going "cold turkey" - apparently we're not allowed to call it that on account of Matron.
Matron is a turkey. Word 'on the ward' is that she used to be a cock - that's a turkey "with-a-comb" - but one day she dyed her wattle blonde and started wearing an Alice band (and she doesn't wear it where you'd expect either).
We're supposed to go to her whenever we've got a problem. I asked her if she could get a crash-mat for Ron's wardrobe. But she just tells you to "pull yourself together" (which just made me constipated when I tried) so no-one bothers any more.
I don't know what her real name is but we call her Doris.
posted at 7:38 AM
Monday, August 02, 2004
Day 5
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I'm learning so much from this whole "12-waddle" program. At the end of today's group encounter session the therapist asked if anyone had any questions.There was an embarrassed silence while everyone looked at each other nervously.
"Any questions? Any questions at all?" she asked again, a note of desperation creeping into her voice.
So I asked her what an Oxbow lake was - and she told me!
I'm amazed. I'd never thought an Oxbow Lake really was a lake! I always thought it was just a load of genuflecting bullocks.
posted at 12:01 PM
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Day 4
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I made a new friend today. He's a lizard and his name is Robert, but he says I can call him Bob. He used to be a chat show host. I know lizards spend a lot of time basking in the sun but even so, Bob's got an impressive tan.Ron says Bob's here because of his acute paranoia. I can see what he means, while were watching Richard and Judy, Bob suddenly accused Ron of looking at him 'in a funny way' and Ron was asleep at the time!
I tried explaining to Bob that Ron was asleep. He just glared at me and muttered something about ''You kip if you want to...."
Nevertheless I must try to be nice to Bob. When one is that paranoid it can't be easy making friends.
posted at 11:58 AM
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Day 3
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I had my first group therapy session today.It was a Macrame class. Ron came too. That was my idea. I hoped he might be able to weave a safety net for his nocturnal wardrobe-leaping sessions.
Unfortunately it looks as though ducks are not really designed for Macrame. Even using my bill as well as both wings and my webbed feet, I was hopeless. That WWII pigeon vest was a bit of a handicap as well.
Luckily Ron was brilliant at it but he insists on weaving only nooses.
I'm not sure he's really getting into the spirit of things.
posted at 10:07 AM
Friday, July 30, 2004
Day 2
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I didn't even get a say in the matter! I just got told - "You're going to The Priory" and that was it.The press had got wind of the news really fast, so I was dropped off under cover of darkness, with a pair of Tim's cycling shorts draped over my head. That might have covered my face but I still think a pair of webbed feet dangling out the bottom was a dead giveaway.
Anyway, they got me settled in OK. Sandi looked a bit guilty about the whole thing but gave me a hug and told me not to be shy and make lots of friends. I think she really wants me to network and find more guests for the show.
I have a roommate. His name is Ron and he's a lemming. I sneaked a peek at his chart; apparently he's in here for "suicidal ideation". I'm not sure what that is but he keeps jumping off the top of the wardrobe and it's keeping me awake.
I've told him if he doesn't stop I'll kill him but that just made him smile.
posted at 1:55 AM
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Day 1
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Failed my medical...I thought I'd been so clever using a urine sample from Sandi instead.How was I to know she'd been shooting up bird seed too???
posted at 5:11 AM
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